If you’re like me, you no doubt frequently wonder exactly how you could explain the current state of the world to someone who had been, say, in a coma for a hundred years. I don’t personally know anybody in such a state of stasis at the moment, but I run with a pretty scientifically liberal crowd, so, you never know.

Such an explanation, a bringing-up-to-speed if you will, was made no easier by last night’s groundbreaking election of America’s first admittedly black president.

How would one break the news gently, especially if our Mr. Van Winkle’s socio-political leanings were unknown to us (perhaps his chart was lost in the interim)?

Would we start by explaining that for the last eight years, the nation has succumbed to an increasing malaise, suffering an ever-less-popular (and possibly stupid) president, a messy and largely indefensible war, and subsequent economic ruin? That what the country needed most was a man who could give a mothufrecking speech, can I get an amen?

You’d probably have to backtrack a little, explaining the whole “car” thing, the “energy” thing… the “oil” thing. Oil (and probably even killing for it) wasn’t new a hundred years ago, but maybe show him a Hummer and one of those new Dodge hemis and he’d get a clearer idea. I’d be sure to touch upon the military-industrial complex, but just broad strokes, the man’s never even seen a B-52. Or tasted one; now might be a good time to offer him a drink in fact.

Once that grounwork is laid, you could then gingerly hypothesize out loud about a president with ties to both oil and defense contractors, whose idea of fiscal responsibility is ensuring that his supporters don’t have to pay taxes on the increased profits from moving manufacturing overseas. Ahem. Broad strokes, though, we don’t need to alarm the poor man; he’s just getting used to electric light.

Certainly he knows about unpopular presidents, maybe even ones with wigs (history’s not my forte). You could also try drawing a parallel between our dependence on fossil fuels to power our increasingly gadgety lives to morphine use (they had that then, I think). Or absinthe (sp?) And that only foreign labor can produce these electronic items cheaply enough for the average unemployed former factory worker to afford (on credit).

Or just play him Obama’s acceptance speech on youtube (on your phone), cause it was a pip.

It could be just my aversion to Generation Y/Z in general. The “Dude, I Flaked” Generation. That post-PC, had sensitive new age parents generation, that’ll stand there proudly telling you “yeah it was me who chopped down your cherry tree, bro… my bad,” [pregnant pause awaiting applause for honesty], and then they think they don’t owe you a new f#$king cherry tree. Well you do, buddy; go ask your mom for some cherry tree money.

So yeah, I still plan to start writing more frequently I just won’t call it blogging. I know I’ve said that before, my bad.

I’ve had a great idea or two since my last post (nine months ago), but I kept them to myself.

The other day, however, as I was pouring out bon mot after bon mot, like sarcastic champagne (nothing like 18 hours in San Francisco to get the old venom flowing), it suddenly occurred to me that I should be writing this down somewhere. The world, or at least my 17 friends, should know that San Francisco is “the land that July forgot” amongst other (kinky) things. There were other, funnier moments, now lost forever to the sands of time and my failing memory. Like a sex with a stranger on Valentine’s Day or a great night of karaoke, I’ll just have to vaguely believe that - something like that - may have happened once.

Now, thanks to my new iPhone, and the free WordPress app I’ve just loaded onto it, I’m about to burn up on re-entry to the blogosphere. 

Just you wait.

And wait.

All I can add is that the Stacks feature in the shipping version of Leopard is not what was demonstrated at MacWorld all those moons ago. We were teased with making new stacks at will from random sections of items dragged from the Finder - nope, the coolest thing about them didn’t make it into the final release.

I’m reminded of Obi-Wan’s exasperated speech to the newly-christened Lord Vader at the end of Revenge Of The Sith. Stacks were supposed to bring balance to the Force and destroy the Sith; not join them (only to be defeated eventually by their own nitwit son and a band of monkey-puppy-bears.

How’s that for nerd? Computers and Star Wars in a single post. Please don’t tell anyone.

I know there are many beverages (iced tea comes to mind) whose integrity is never certain. You never know quite where you stand with cranberry juice, for instance. But milk, wholesome milk, surely is above reproach.

I’m positive that the dairy industry would not compromise their principles, nor would the cows involved. Milk is on the level; I can feel it in my strong bones and healthy teeth.

This just in: notmilk.com. Apparently milk does stretch the truth now and then. Luckily I haven’t touched the stuff in decades.

I don’t think this should hurt anybody’s appreciation of good old Oreo cookies, though. That’s some good cookie.

Thank you, Tea Tree Therapy Cinnamon Toothpicks (instead of a delicious snack)! If only you would stop burning my lips!

I can give few specifics, though I’m not tied by any formal non-disclosure agreement. Let’s just say I don’t wish to discuss why I know what I know, and leave it at that.

Small LAN users (home network, small business) who frequently share files between computers will appreciate the new Finder. Ditto those who like to search visually for files; the new “Flow” view is great for pictures and movies. I can see “Quick Look” eventually becoming one of those little Mac OS perks I can’t remember how I lived without.

What else… I haven’t tried a whole lot of applications yet… but I’m open to requests. Some of the fancy new features in iChat seem to be… “missing” from the beta I’m using, for example “Backdrops”. Mail has some very fancy new features (notes, to-dos) but the built-in activity viewer (an optional, and somewhat buried, separate window in 10.4 Tiger) is reason enough for me to upgrade. Safari is snappy, bla bla bla exciting new features, but… (and this is a big but, think J. Lo, and then add a dozen Krispy Kremes a day for a year and a week) as 10.5 does away with Input Manager (yeah, whatever that means) that means no more Inquisitor, one of the main reasons to use Safari in the first place. I may have to rethink this whole early adopter thing.

Incidentally, it’s running on a Dual 1.25GHz G4, no troubles with performance (stability, that’s another story).

Now, what else would you like to know?

If nothing else, the iPod is a reason I can never truly hate Apple Inc. I tell you, when you’re in the zone on the elliptical fitness machine, and Kim Shattuck’s screaming in your damn ear, it all make sense. McDonald’s should buy stock in Apple—every super-size is a potential future iPod sale to some big piggy trying to make the exercise bike friendlier.

*I heard it’s fun to stay there.

And speaking of Apple, apparently they also make computers, as well as phones and music players. If you have one, you can make this site hurt your eyes less by the key combination Apple+Option+Control+8. I neither know nor care whether Windows has a similar feature.

Speaking of Fats Waller (who apparently stayed Fat because he found exercise boring, without being able to listen to music while he used the Stairmaster), I just heard that song, and, well, it’s a little cleverer than The Damned. But that’s not Damning the Damned with faint praise, it’s still the Best Damned Love Song to come out of England’s first wave of punk.

Speaking of music, I was just listening to some, which I almost never do unless I’m being paid to learn something*, and you know what? The Damned’s “Love Song” has just that kind of punk rock bass that I do treasure so dearly… I don’t even know if it’s Captain Sensible or Algae whatshisname or even Lemmy Kilmeister, but sheet, bro, that sounds like a long-ass strap. I mean after the false intro, right after the “hey man, what’s happening?”

Maybe that song’s not “punk” enough for you. Try listening to it with a safety pin in your eye; works for me. I also love the way it lyrically references Fats Waller’s charming “Porter’s Love Song To A Chambermaid” which I used to sing to very old people in very expensive restaurants.

Go listen to some music kids! It’s great (in small doses)!

Both songs mentioned are buried somewhere in this finetune playlist:

*I believe this may be related to the curious mental block that restricts me from playing guitar off the clock. Ever. I’m nearly positive I used to enjoy it a great deal…