It’s not Good News when you can’t wear your “fat pants” without a belt. It’s just Very Bad News when you can.

One thing’s for sure. I have a lot more inertia than I used to. So, watch out, step aside, etc.

There is good news, though. Once you’ve been puffy for a while, people around you start to mistake “better” for “good”; as in: “you look so goo-ood” (when you lost 3 pounds). What they really mean is you look “better” as in “not as bad”.

My theory is that anybody can look “good” at, say, 300lbs. – so long as you do 6 months or so at 450. An enterprising fatty might even fake it: wear several pillows under big baggy clothes, tight collars that push your neck flab up into view more prominently, etc. Folks will fall all over themselves telling you how great you look the day you show up without the extra padding.

Me, I’m almost done with the experiment. My heart’s not in it anymore. I was curious to see how big I would get (especially comical was my extremely fat-phobic wife’s silent agony) but it feels too awful. My knee gave out, my wardrobe gave up, and I never even cracked 200 (by the bathroom scale, which I always found to be kindest). Also, I’ve tasted some results from dieting and exercise, and now I’m obsessed with trying to recapture some of the glory of my youth. My hopelessness, which had served me so well at the buffet, is all but gone, as I redirect my obsession to counting carbs and minutes on the elliptical machine.

I guess I’ll move onto fretting about my hairline next. And I’m going to be 40. Well, not soon, but I will, someday.