My wife was concerned that my undershirts were getting too… short - until I assured her they weren’t undershirts at all, but sports bras for my back fat*.

Though I haven’t yet cracked the 200 pound barrier (which some describe as liberating), I can no longer convince myself “that would never happen to me,” when I see my porky brothers-and-sisters-from-other-mothers-and-misters weighing in at 300, 400 and above. If only I’d started sooner, who knows?

I think I know how it happens:
Today, I’m a soft, doughy, unattractive, schlep. If I were to cut out all flavorful foods, frolic and sweat until I fainted several times a week, in several weeks time, I’d be a soft, doughy, unattractive, schlep. Conversely, if I were to pursue my pudding and bacon diet to the very gates of cardiac arrest, while lying on the floor watching television, by this time next month I’d be… a soft, doughy, unattractive, schlep. Once your signicant other finds you repulsive, we’re really only talking about degrees here, people.

So now I’m “doing something about it”. That’s positifproactifspeak for futilely pining for french fries. I’m comparing prices on beef jerky. When I stop in a little Mexican carnicería, I can’t help checking out their pork rind selection, to see if they’ve got a brand or flavor that I don’t already know for certain is repulsive. Atkins is some rough stuff, especially the way I do it. I may die from the cholesterol before I reach my target weight.

Incidentally, my target weight is “once again being able to look bad in my old clothes”. That’s really what it’s about… the clothes. It’s like the day I quit smoking, somebody broke into my house and stole all my bitchen threads.

So now I’m eating club house salads. Basically, anything without the bread. Or the potato, or the noodles, or the rice, or the couscous, or the stovetop stuffing. Hold the side orders.

I’m also a proud member of the Hollywood YMCA. But that’s a whole other story. Actually several.

*I have a theory that undershirts only come in one “size” but different lengths