I quit smoking last June. Turns out I was actually addicted to putting things in my mouth, as evidenced by my sudden 30lb weight gain. What follows is my coming to terms with (and trying to get a laugh out of) my newfound mass.

FAT LIKE ME

1. A stain on a skinny guy’s shirt says “Oops! Is my goofy childlike charm showing again?”. Same stain on a fat guy says “Mmmff! Just can’t shovel it in fast enough! Yum yum. Moo!”